Friday, August 5, 2011

My kids. In a restaurant.

I generally try to AVOID restaurants with my kids. I swear I do try to instill manners and good behavior in them on a daily basis, but these habits seem to be swiftly abandoned by my offspring as soon as we set foot in a restaurant. I am continually embarrassed by them. Really, these are the times when I contemplate why we as modern parents hesitate to spank our children. Is it just my kids?

They also have moments when they delight me, don't get me wrong. An unsolicited "thank you" occasionally occurs. They might even sit still for 6 minutes at a time. But generally....well, you get the picture.

On our road trip, we had the opportunity to go to restaurants twice a day, for about 12 days. Super duper. Here is a small sampling of things said and done:


Last But Not Least, my 4 year old daughter:

We gave each child a dollar bill to play a video game at a family restaurant. This was extra exciting because, in Canada, our lowest denomination of paper money is $5 (so they thought they were getting something good). LBNL proceeded whoop and shake her booty in delight. She then turned to the lovely senior couple at the table beside us, who were watching with smiles, and then said, "In your FACE people, I have CASH!"

Reclining in her chair, spread eagle while wearing a dress. I ask her to please close her legs so the place doesn't get a view of her panties. "Ahhhh....but it is so relaxing!"

She ordered Mac and Cheese for 3 nights in a row, but never ate a bite, so I asked her why:
"None taste like yours, Mom. Yours is delicious, although you make lots of other yucky suppers."

She calls beer "beard." On several occasions she would exclaim, at the top of her voice, "Mommy has a beard!"


The Middle Child, our 6 year old daughter:

"Animal heads on the wall in restaurants make me sad because they are dead."
"So is the animal from the burger you are eating."
"Yes, but this animal is DELICIOUS!"

When we went to an amazing vegetarian restaurant, called The Cheese Factory, she said, " I wish there was a MEAT Factory!"

Big G, our 7 year old son:

Yah, he doesn't say much as he tends to be stuffing entire sandwiches, etc, in his mouth in one bite, while simultaneously kicking his sisters under the table.

Glad to be eating meals in the privacy of our home again!

21 comments:

Katie B. said...

Oh, my...that is hilarious! And, no, it's not just your kids. Yesterday the pest control guy came to our house, and my son helped me open the door. He was finishing a popsicle (in his underwear, of course). He threw the popsicle stick at the bug guy's feet and burped. Really???

In your FACE people!

Kristy said...

Hahahaahaaaa!!! You've got me laughing out loud this morning!!!! That is so funny!!! I especially love the "In your face people, I have cash!"....HAaahahaah!! I'm sure it wasn't as funny for mama at the time, but I just pictured the whole scenario perfectly with the adoring senior couple! :D And the poor dead animals...giggle, giggle! Sounds like there was lots of opportunity for rest and refreshment on your getaway! Thanks for the laugh!

Emily said...

I love this for two reasons.

1. Hilarious.
2. SOOOOO glad it's not just my heathens than act like this in restaurants! :)

Victoria Paige @ Boutique Uniquely said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. I love the "Mommy has a beard part."

I'm just waiting to see what my daughter will be like when she starts talking.

ButtonMad said...

Hysterical! Thanks for the chuckle...

the rookie years said...

Hahahaha. This is great! I only have one baby, and I already try to avoid restuarants. I can't imagine taking 3 kids!

LynCC said...

hehe :) My kids are all older now, so it's only my husband that embarrasses me in restaurants. ;D

LynCC said...

(He likes to flick rolled up straw covers at his daughters.)

Tanya said...

My boys tend to act like a small pack of wild hyenas as soon as we enter a restaurant. Strange beasties.

Melanie said...

My family and I are about to go on a road trip and all I can say is I feel your pain! The last time my two year old was in a resturant he announced to the waitress that I had "cut the cheese". Just to set the record straight, I hadn't, but that didn't stop me from dying a little inside from sheer embarassment!

*kate said...

I needed this laugh. Thanks!

Poppyprint said...

That made me howl out loud. The I have CASH especially. Sadly, it won't be long until she'll need a $20 to be satisfied! And fyi, my daughter totally converted from certified carnivore to committed vegetarian at age 10. No lie! Her first and last words on the subject, spoken through water-filled eyes while riding a train through fields of cows in Holland, "Mommy, I just love animals so much, I can't eat them any more." Alrighty, then.

Little Blue Mouse said...

Ha ha, thanks for the laugh!

Shay said...

I sincerely hope one day someone turns your life into a sitcom. It would be a rip roaring hit.

In YOUR face....(Im laughing so hard Im wheezing)

Little Island Quilting said...

I just cannot believe the 'in your face people, I have cash' comment!! Priceless. It MUST be the way she is being brought up. My kids have impeccable manners ;-)

felicity said...

I thought of you as mine announced loudly from under the table at Boston Pizza last night: THERE'S NO GUM UNDER HERE MAMA. WELL THERE IS BUT I WON'T PICK IT OFF, OKAY?" I got off easy I think...

Lynne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lynne said...

Oh my! I was thinking about having to go to a restaurant with my Older Grandson - he can't sit still for even a minute (unless he is very tired; he is after all only seventeen months old).

I feel your pain and hear that sigh of relief!

Natalie said...

This totally made me laugh out loud. Your kids sound hilarious-- I wish all of my dinners were that entertaining :)

Turtlegurl said...

Please, my kids can take your kids any day! We recently went to a cultural centre at Osoyoos BC, where a world champion pow wow singer did an impromptu performance for a small group of visitors. My almost five year old snickered all the way through, and then loudly asked, "is that the best you can do?" when he finished. Another woman in the room actually gasped at the rudeness. Ugh, humiliating! Yep, leaving the house with little kids is not high on my list of fun things to do.

Sarah @ FairyFace Designs said...

Oh Kristie, lol!!! your LBNL sounds EXACTLY like my 3.5 year old girl, the attitude, the comments and even the calling beer "beard". I laughed so much reading this (and felt a little comforted that my kids are not the only ones capable of making their parents cringe when in a restaurant).